Understanding Conflict
- Jan 2
- 31 min read
Many of the ideas in this blog are interconnected in a web-like style, rather than being presented chronologically. There will be correlating graphics for those who may be more visual learners.
To fully understand these concepts, we are going to zoom all the way out.
By the end of this blog, you’ll understand what conflict is, how to recognize when it turns into a problem, and how to go about formulating a solution towards resolution.
Having a BA in Peace and Conflict Studies, the way I broadly define specific terms may not always be as their textbook definition, but they are indicative of their meaning in their respective contexts.
The General Notion of Conflict
When conflict turns into a personal problem
Imagine you’re in a situation where you want to go to the gym, but you don’t. Why don’t you? It could be due to your own willpower, scheduling, or some other constraint of the sort. Deep, deep down, you want to be the type of person who goes to the gym 3 days a week. However, at this point in time, it’s simply not your reality.
These separate circumstances are not congruent. They are not equivalent experiences to one another.
The problem is that your lived reality does not match your ideal scenario. Consider this discrepancy as the conflict that then results in problems that you need to overcome.
You would want to overcome “not going to the gym” so that you can be someone who goes to the gym 3 days a week.
In this example, we can define the problem(s) as everything that stems from the discrepancy.
Another way to view a circumstance is as an occurrence. Using the term “occurrence” can be beneficial when analyzing a situation or circumstance practically because it has less of a negative connotation than terms such as “problem”, “crisis”, or the phrase “something terrible”, for instance. In this way, you’re better able to remove yourself from the situation and, in turn, better able to manage your emotions as you go about the resolution process.
Remember, conflict itself is not inherently good or bad. It’s a word meant to highlight a discrepancy between sets of circumstances. While the problems that stem from the discrepancy may increase the likelihood of unwelcome occurrences in your life, recognizing that a conflict exists gives you the power to take steps towards a solution. Conflict isn’t something to be scared of.
Take off your Blinders
Recognizing a conflict gives you the power to take steps towards a solution.
Recognizing the potential for a conflict to arise gives you the power to avoid it in the first place.
Hiking with Friends
Imagine you're hiking with your friends and your body suddenly becomes sore and your lungs winded. Things are not going well. You might stop to think, Wow, I really wish I were in better shape so that I could actually enjoy this activity with everyone!
In this case:
Circumstance A = My body becomes sore and out of breath when hiking
Circumstance B = When hiking, I’m not sore or out of breath
You know you’re living through “A,” but you want to live “B”.
Understanding this is the first step towards resolution.
In a situation where you are experiencing any occurrences, whether it be a complex situation, from interactions with others, or internal thoughts ruminating in your mind, if it’s an occurrence that causes you distress in one way or another, make it your problem to deal with.
The Noisy Neighbor
Imagine you live in an apartment community, and your upstairs neighbor vacuums at 10 pm at least 3 times a month. This is annoying because you like to go to bed around 9:00, 9:30, so it wakes you up from your beauty rest.
You anxiously anticipate when this will occur, but their schedule is for them to know and you to find out. While you can’t physically stop them, you can complain to the apartment management, but even they can only do but so much; and what they can do, won’t fix your problem.
It’s decided, this is a problem that needs to be taken into your own hands.
So what does taking this into your own hands look like?
Considering the Variables
What’s not in your control?
Knowing (or knowing when) they’re going to vacuum
What’s in your control?
Having noise-canceling earbuds on hand
Having a noise machine (or white noise playlist) playing throughout the night to drown out the noise
Going forward, you’ll have several different resolutions to your problems
If the vacuuming wakes you up, put in your earbuds so that you can fall back asleep more easily.
Wear your earbuds throughout the night so noise doesn’t wake you up in the first place if it were to occur
Play white noise throughout the night so that if they do vacuum, it’s already going to drown out the noise.
While you don’t know exactly when the occurrence will occur, if it does, or in anticipation of it, you will have options available to you for its resolution.
The implementation of this method is the “if/ then” plan in action. This method allows you to be proactive by accounting for variables, without being entirely overwhelmed if things change as you follow through with your plan.
Once you take matters into your own hands, you diversify the possibilities as to how a conflict will be resolved because you’re not relying on an external source to materialize a solution for you. You are focusing on the “matter that’s within your hands” to control.
You cannot control other people, but you can control how you react to a situation (or “occurrence”), and what you do to minimize the stress that it causes your individual self.
If it’s within your control, then manage it.
Practical Constraints
When I was moving to Apartment D, I decided that I wanted to decorate my apartment in a style that’s called “edgy modern.” This style blends vintage furniture with modern colors, creating a unique, maximalist, yet functional and chic aesthetic.
Initial Conflict:
I want “X” style of furniture for my new apartment ≠ I don’t have “X” style furniture for my new apartment
Within my control is deciding how I source this furniture.
One option to source furniture is to buy new. However, this would not be a cost-effective way for me to find the vintage pieces my heart so desires. Another option available to me was to go to my great-grandmother's home and take pieces from there.
However, that furniture had been sitting untouched in the formal living room for the past 30 years. Before being moved to her living room, some of the pieces had even belonged to her parents. This furniture was well over 100 years old.
Second Conflict:
I want vintage furniture that’s ready to go into my new apartment ≠ Available vintage furniture that needs to be restored
Considering the cost and source time for vintage furniture on Facebook Marketplace or other second-hand resellers, I found it in the best interest of the family, and in “good interest” for myself, to restore these now heirloom pieces of furniture.
To overcome this second conflict, I needed to think outside the box, but still in a way where I was being realistic about my practical constraints. I asked myself, what resources do I have available to me at this point in time?
The answer was:
A workshop space in Mr.Wonderful's office
The mental capacity to learn and do via YouTube University and from reading blogs
Time after work and on weekends to dedicate to this cause
Determination to get it done
Everyone has different resources available to them. Resources available to me at a specific point in time might not be available to you. In the same way, someone else might have many more resources available to them than I would have to me. For instance, while I had the resource of that workshop then, I no longer have that available to me now.
The phrase “we have the same 24 hours in a day” never made any sense to me because the utilization of time is based on too many different variables, including what resources we do or don’t have and how we go about the prioritization of needs based on those. However, I love the reminder that we all share the same sun and moon because their general - in a typical, modern, everyday life sense - availability to us isn’t determined by how we prioritize specific variables in our life. They are just always there.
The more often you think, to determine how to work within the confines of your practical constraints, the easier problem-solving will be. When problem-solving gets easier, you’ll feel and know that you are more equipped to handle conflicts when they arise. At a baseline, you won’t be worried about what happens next and the constant stress and anxiety that comes with contemplating the unknown. Instead, you’ll be present in the moment with what it is you are doing.
Reframing Your Worries as Word Problems
While we put our best efforts towards going about our day optimistically, thinking happy thoughts, and focusing on what’s right in front of us, we will inevitably face a disruption at some point.
When circumstances that bring about an anxious feeling arise, whether cyclical or sporadically, approach the resolution of your worries similarly to how you’d solve a word problem.
The House Fire
Word Problem 1:
If Chelsea hears a smoke detector beeping at 2 am and finds that her neighbor's apartment is on fire, a situation resulting in everything being covered in ash, what does she do next?
For context, this situation occurred when we were living at “Apartment A”.
The smoke detector beep woke me up, and so I threw on some clothes and took a look around our apartment. The home was barely 800 sqft., so there wasn’t much to see. Since there was nothing in the home that would cause the smoke detector to beep, I opened the door.
^^Conflict 1 - The smoke detector is beeping
Flames were billowing out of the neighbor's front door.
^^Conflict 2 - There was a house fire
I slammed the door shut, alerted my roommate, Olive (Olivia), of the emergency; she’s a heavy sleeper, grabbed my keys, and headed to the car.
^^Practical Constraints - I cannot put out the fire myself, but I can get us out of the home
I ask our neighbor, who was sitting in the breezeway, clearly distraught, if he had called the fire department yet. He said no. So I said okay and called them immediately.
^^Practical Constraints - I cannot put out the fire myself, but I can call the fire department without hesitation
The fire department came. We were sitting in my car until about 4 am. At this point in time, we didn’t have any pets, but we were still worried because all of our belongings were in the home. It wasn’t easy to stay calm, but we knew it wasn’t a time to be erratic either.
When we got back into our apartment, everything was covered in a layer of ash.
^^Conflict 3 - Everything is a mess, items have been damaged due to the smoke
We immediately started taking pictures to submit to our insurance for a claim. Afterwards, we opened all the windows and started cleaning.
^^Resource Availability - We knew we could submit an insurance claim. We had cleaning supplies.
^^Mental/ Physical Capacity - Although we were tired, our adrenaline was going, and we needed to stay busy so we wouldn’t freak out. We put our hands to work by cleaning our belongings.
Soon after entering the home and cleaning, we started coughing. The lingering smoke and ash were too much for our lungs to handle. We also had to consider that we had work later that day.
^^Physical Constraint - we started coughing due to the ash.
^^Practical Constraints - We had work later, so we planned our day so that we could go to work since we knew we couldn’t stay in the home.
For additional context, this incident happened over a weekend when the leasing office was closed, so we sent them an email detailing what happened, but we didn’t expect a reply until the office opened.
Since we literally couldn’t stay in our apartment, our renters' insurance covered our stay at an extended stay, which was about 20 minutes from our apartment. We were sophomores in college when this happened, and it was during finals season, but those variables literally didn’t matter.
We could have been, almost understandably, extremely pessimistic during this time, but we weren’t. Instead, we choose to think optimistically while being realistically proactive.
Our insurance covered the cleaning of our larger items, such as our TV, mini fridge, couch, and mattresses. We stored some of the smaller items in our friend's garage. We kept many items in our cars.
^^Resource availability - Insurance claim covering the cleaning.
^^Thinking outside the box - Using our friend's garage for storage
Once the leasing office was open, we were notified that we would be able to transfer units. However, about a day or so later, we were notified that someone from upper management decided against what was reasonable and tried to keep us in our lease. We had to hire a lawyer and ended up staying in that extended stay for around 6 weeks.
^^Conflict 4 - Practical constraints, we weren’t allowed to transfer units
^^Planning Realistically/ Mental Capacity - Once we knew we were not allowed to transfer, we immediately started looking for new communities to live at
We found an apartment we liked, got moved in, cleaned everything again, and finally started enjoying our new home, Apartment B.
We came out of this situation traumatized by house fires, but in one piece nonetheless.
Since we had already exercised the skill of managing crises in our personal lives, when this happened to us, we were equipped with the mental capacity to assess each occurrence as it arose and were able to think quickly towards a practical resolution for each instance.
The key to being proactive is to slow down and think through a situation from start to finish before acting on what it is that you want to do. Whether you’re creating a 20-step business plan or determining your afternoon schedule, deciding if you should go to the grocery store or gym first, slow down and think before you act.
Make educated decisions by slowing down and being proactive about planning intentionally.
Figuring out Food
Word Problem 2:
Chelsea is running out of food options in her pantry and refrigerator. She needs to figure out something quick, but is faced with the following worries:
“I have to meal-prep.”
“I don’t know what I want.”
“I’m not in the mood for anything”.
“I don’t know where to begin.”
“I don’t know when I’ll have time, it’ll just take too long.”
Step 1: Determine the practical constraints pertaining to your concerns
Where can you find your weekly schedule?
If it’s not written down yet, write it out
At what points in time do you need to plan to eat?
write that down/ note it on your calendar/ schedule
Is there anything that would prevent you from being able to cook or prep food?
Travel, lowered physical capacity, such as being on your period or generally more tired on any days, schedule conflicts, other?
write that down/ note it on your calendar/ schedule
Step 2 If: you are NOT going to meal prep any meals due to practical constraints:
Determine a budget for eating out
Based on the meals you know you’ll need, if you still can’t determine what you’ll be in the mood for, pick a food you know you’ll eat if it’s in front of you/ easy to make, such as pizza that needs to be tossed in the oven
Step 2 If: you ARE going to meal prep:
Determine your grocery budget
Check your pantry for items you already have
Create a list of what you want to eat
Based on your calendar, when are you available to set aside 3 hours for grocery shopping and meal prep
Write that down/ note it on your calendar/ schedule
By reframing general worries as specific concerns that can be addressed, you pinpoint specific problems. In doing so, you’re giving yourself the power to find solutions for those individual problems.
Sit down, slow down.
Knowing yourself allows you to better understand your practical constraints. Recognizing these constraints doesn’t hinder you. It simply clarifies the expectations that you should have for yourself.
As mentioned above, if you know you’re not going to meal prep because you’re going to be too tired, don’t stress yourself out as if meal prepping is your only option. Accept that you are lacking in your physical capacity, reset your personal expectations of yourself in this moment, and plan realistically, considering those variables.
Being Optimistic vs Realistic
When you recognize the pattern of actions and outcomes through specific repeated lived experiences, consider it a fact that the action will lead to the outcome. Use this knowledge to your advantage.
The other day, when I got home from work, I felt full of energy and ready to get things done because I had taken my adderall a little later in the day than I normally would have. I thought to myself, I’m not tired at all! I’m going to use this afternoon to clean my entire apartment!”
I was being optimistic.
Cleaning my entire apartment included:
Kitchen
Put away clean dishes
Loading the dishwasher
Hand-wash delicate dishes
Living room
Tidying up random items I’d left on the floor
Art room
Tidying up random items I’d left on the floor
Bedroom
3 loads of laundry - to do and to put away or hang to air-dry
Tidying up my vanity and random items I’d left on the floor
Bathroom
Deep clean for cleanliness's sake
Tidying up the sink (lots of random items left out from getting ready every morning)
When 8:30 pm rolled around, I had completed about 80% of these tasks (not in order), but slowed down when it was time to do my laundry.
I felt disappointed in myself for not having met my goal. I thought, Why did I even start? I should’ve just waited until there was time for me to get everything done at once.
Then I reassessed. I know that when I get home from work (action), I have about 3.5 hours until my baseline functional willpower is gone (outcome). Knowing this, I should have made a goal for myself that was 50% of everything I actually needed to do.
If I had done this instead, I would have completed my cleaning goal, and then some! Going above and beyond, I would’ve felt so accomplished. I would have gone to bed happy and fulfilled in such a circumstance.
In this situation, even though I felt more energized, I should have still stopped to think about my practical personal constraints based on my lived experience. Even though the outcome would be the exact same, being realistic about my capabilities would’ve led to a much better outlook for myself on all that I’m equipped to handle.
Since I made this inference, in the end, I didn’t discredit the work I did complete, although next time, I still intend to manage my expectations.
Little steps of consistent momentum are better than big steps with slow momentum.
Endurance is Key
Realistically, I’m not “in the habit” of many things that occur at the same place and at the same time day after day. However, I’m consistent in accomplishing my goals by leaning on my perseverance, determination, and endurance.
The method by which my goals are accomplished is very rarely due to habits I’ve formed, simply because I can’t rely on something that’s not there. Instead, they are accomplished through little steps of consistent momentum.
The Eager Artist
Imagine you’re an artist, ready to start your next piece. You already have an idea in mind; now comes the time for execution.
In the past, you’ve completed these styles of work in one sitting, one 12-hour sitting to be exact, and the repercussions of overworking yourself that day were not fun to manage after the fact. There was another point in time when you completed a project like this in only a few days, but that took place over a long weekend, when you didn’t have to work. The most recent project you finished, which was similar to this one, you worked on it at your leisure and completed it in 3 months.
Considering the facts, based on your lived experience, it is nonsensical to have an expectation for yourself to complete this project in one sitting. However, it’s also impractical to drag it out for 3 months because you have other things to work on.
After taking a look at your schedule and calendar, you decide that one months time will be a sufficient deadline.
Since you already like to wake up early, you decide to dedicate the time between 6:15 am - 7 am to work on this piece of art.
Following, you set up your schedule like so:
Week 1 - Complete the sketch
Week 2 - Finish the underpainting
Week 3 - Finalize the painting
Week 4 - Complete my artist statement
By planning out the execution of your project in this way, you don’t have to rely on the perfection of the moment. Instead, you rely on the bare minimum of your capabilities, giving you the best chance of success.
If you finish the sketch on day one, that’s not to say that you have to wait until week 2 comes around to start the underpainting. If that were to be the case, I’d highly recommend starting the underpainting on day 2. It’s to say that even if you do miss one day, you can still maintain little steps of consistent momentum.
When possible, plan your life in a way that alleviates stress, not in a way that adds to it. It’s so common to feel rushed and overwhelmed, and while some occurrences do need to be dealt with immediately, many don’t.
Decide what this looks like for you.
As someone whose baseline anxiety is the same feeling of suspense from when you’re watching a movie, I understand what it feels like to be anxious. I would much rather only need to manage my baseline anxiety than to compound the effects of it by worrying about things that are ultimately out of my control.
Decomposition - Breaking it Down
Acts such as reframing your worries as individual concerns/ problems that you can resolve and scheduling time over the course of a month for a task, recognizing that it cannot be completed in one sitting, are both acts of decomposition.
More specifically, decomposition is the technique of breaking down a large, complex project and its deliverables into smaller, more manageable components or tasks.
While it’s widely understood that large tasks should be broken down into smaller ones, how you determine to follow through on the smaller tasks once you determine what they are is rarely considered.
Moving Mix-Ups
Olive and I were planning on living in Apartment C until August 2024.
Considering the job market and how long people have to wait for a call-back, I started applying for jobs in the spring of 2024. I planned to move into the community I was going to work at because I had done that for the past year, it was a positive experience overall, and it comes with a nice discount.
I secured a position, and initially they wanted me to start in May. A few days later, they asked if I could start then in March.
^^Practical constraint- I was not prepared to move out from living with Olive at that point in time
^^Resource Availability - Also, the apartment building I was supposed to move into didn’t have its occupancy certificate.
My future manager proposed the following solution, given the circumstances:
You can move into a studio in this building that we’re also managing, which is currently available, and then when the new building opens up, you can move into that one.
At this point in time the two options I was presented with were:
Move into a studio and pay that rent and my current rent for 5 months, then move again, but have no commute during this time
OR
Stay at my current apartment and have a 2.5-hour commute each way
I didn’t like either of those options. Realistically though, when the building received its occupancy certificate was out of my control. Instead of being upset and stressed out about not being able to move in, I focused that energy into figuring out where I would be living in the meantime. After all, I was told it would only be about a 2-week stent, although it could be longer.
I started to think outside the box, options that had not yet been presented to me:
Would staying at an Airbnb be less expensive?
I checked, it wasn’t
Should I move back home, and then only have an hour commute?
Absolutely not, I moved out for a reason
Could I stay with a friend who lives close to my new job?
I didn’t have any friends in that location at the time, but…
…the man I was really just casually dating at the time, lived about an hour away from the location of my new job!
I asked him (who I now refer to as Mr.Wonderful) if I could stay with him for the first two weeks when I start my job as to shorten my commute time. After a short bit of consideration, he excitedly agreed.
Note: If you are a (young) woman, under general circumstances, do NOT rely on a man. However, feel free to utilize his resources, with respect and politeness, if they are kindly offered or been made readily available to you.
It just so happened, however, that two weeks turned into five months. THE BUILDING DID NOT GET ITS OCCUPANCY CERTIFICATE FOR ANOTHER FIVE MONTHS. I digress.
Rewinding to Early August 2024 > 3 days before I had scheduled movers to come
As soon as I received a proper “lease start date” for Apartment D at my new job, I scheduled movers. Before this point in time, they were letting me paint my unit, which was very lenient of them, and I was thankful for that because I knew I would go stir-crazy staring at grey walls for the three years I thought I’d be living there.
^^Considerations of facts based on my lived experience
The plan was to:
Finish painting Apartment D
Move everything out of Apartment C to Apartment D in one go once the painting was completed
Have time to get situated over a long weekend.
Apartment C was pretty much packed, Olive had already moved out, and I had already scheduled movers for my items.
^^Being proactive by planning realistically with intention
To preface, I am typically very much on top of my administrative tasks in the office. I keep track of move-outs, letting residents know how much is due on their final month, scheduling pre-move-out inspections, and sending reminders on when their move-out date is. All of my co-workers, including the lady who was hired for the position I left (I had worked with her at another property), know this about me.
^^Mental Capacity - Having an awareness of how things work and what’s going on in general
I get a call while I’m at my new job, from the leasing office of Apartment C, she said Hey Chelsea, you were supposed to turn in your keys yesterday. Where are they?
At this point, how I missed my move-out date was completely beyond me. I thought I had accounted for everything! I wasn’t mad at anyone, not even myself. I was panicking and felt extremely embarrassed.
While I would have loved to throw a tantrum, freaking out and screaming Why me?? Why today??, I instead shook out my body for a few seconds, re-established my composure, and with a poised sense of urgency in my request, asked my new manager, Can I please use PTO for the second half of the day today? There was a mix-up with my move date, and I need to handle a few things this afternoon.
Thankfully, they obliged my request. I stepped into action.
^^Mental Capacity- I had handled stressful situations before, I’m equipped to handle this one now.
I couldn’t control my move-out because they had already re-rented my old apartment, so I needed my things gone. I didn’t have any friends readily available to assist me with a full move, so I called movers, local to the area of Apartment C, until someone had availability for that afternoon.
^^Resource availability - thankfully, I manage my finances in a way that allows me to be prepared in these types of emergencies, so although it was not cheap, I was able to get this taken care of.
As I left my office, I called Mr.Wonderful to request the use of one of his work vans. My idea was to utilize a large vehicle for the movers to move the belongings into, rather than them having to use their own trucks to offload the items at a secondary location, since we weren’t ready for that yet. I had already accounted for moving being expensive, but I still didn’t want to spend more than I had to. If I had the movers drive my belongings from Apartment C to Apartment D, I would have probably spent twice as much, considering the time it would’ve taken. He was fully in support of this idea, so I drove to his office to pick up the van and from there, went to Apartment C.
Remember how I said “everything was pretty much packed”? Yeah, “pretty much” is not definitive. I still had miscellaneous items lying about. While I didn’t have any friends readily available to assist me with a full move, one of my friends was available to help me get the remaining items packed away and into the living room so it’d be easier for the movers once they arrived.
When the movers arrived that afternoon, I had them start by loading all the larger items, which were safer if two men carried them. This way, if additional items didn’t fit in this van, we could manage it ourselves.
Everything didn’t fit in the van; we managed it ourselves…the horrors persisted, but so did I.
Mr.Wonderful drove to Apartment C to meet me in his other work van, and we loaded the rest of the items ourselves, as my friend had already left at this point, and so had the movers. Eventually, the apartment was cleared, we left, and the vans were parked.
A few days later, once moving day comes around, the following occurs:
Movers are able to unload the “heavy things” van via the loading dock.
The loading dock then had to be closed due to hurricane warnings.
Due to heavy rain, the small things van had sunk in the mud, and once it was out, it was past working hours (8 pm) when the movers would have been able to assist.
Towers assisted Mr.Wonderful in getting the “small things” van out of the mud
He drove it to Apartment D
As to not lose momentum, Mr.Wonderful and I stayed up until around 3 am unloading the van. It was just the two of us and our sports wagons. We knew if it didn’t get finished, it wouldn't get done.
We planned for the best, yet we dealt with the worst. This is why the phrase “plan for the worst and hope for the best” is so popular.
While it may have felt like I was losing my marbles, through intentional actions and optimistic thinking, I was able to find them again, ready for the next game of Chinese checkers.
Environmental Factors
Note: When I mention having a “social life” in the following circumstances, I mean a structured, recurring time to interact with other people outside of a formal setting, such as work. I still had my friends whom I would visit. The visits were just based on what was easiest. Structured visits themselves were not a priority. Although the friendships were a priority.
When I was living in Apartment C, I had set up the sunroom as my art room. The space was about 12 ft. by 8 ft.
In my current space, Apartment E, the space I’ve set up as my art room is about twice that size.
However, when I was in Apt. C, I didn’t have much of a social life other than dating, so I was going to sleep around 9 pm most weeknights. In doing so, I was able to wake up around 5 am, and I had the morning to myself to either go to the gym or work on art. At that point in time, I was painting almost every day. I was also filming and editing YouTube videos for my art. I had the time, and I made it work.
While I was casually dating then, now, I’m in an exclusive relationship with Mr.Wonderful. Since my social life can no longer consist of dating, I needed to find something else. I took up social partner dance classes, and I absolutely adore dancing now! However, I don’t get home most weeknights until 10 pm. Although my art room here in Apt. E is much more conducive an environment to do my art, I can’t reasonably expect myself to go to bed between 10 pm and 11:30 pm to then get up at 5 am in hopes of a productive morning.
This is a practical constraint. I have a lot more control over this constraint than others in that I could stop going to dance and just adjust my schedule to accommodate for producing more art. However, I simply don’t want to do that.
I’m intentionally choosing to have a social life over being an artist at the moment.
While this isn’t what I want for my life forever, I’m okay with this reality at present. When I’m ready to shift, I will.
The art room situation is ironic, yet ideal in many ways. However, there are many situations where the available environment may not be a place conducive to you achieving your goals. Being able to recognize this and understand your personal constraints in these instances will help you make proactive decisions towards reaching your goal.
Work and Pleasure
Imagine you’re heading out at the end of the week to your favorite destination. You are ready to unplug and unwind, but there’s just one project finalization lingering. You decide that you’ll just work on it when you get to the airport, and it’ll be done before you even get there. It’s settled, the plan is made.
You know what needs to get done, but the plan was, in fact, not made.
Did you think about…
Distractions that could be present once you arrive at your gate, such as
noisy kids playing
emergency alarms alerting
hurricane delays or TSA (security line) delays
What time are you going to get to the airport?
Does your flight leave at 5 am, before you’d even have the mental capacity to work on your project?
Should you instead account for working on your computer on the plane instead?
Other…
Did you pack your charger? Do you need any adapters?
Is your computer charged?
Did you purchase the in-flight wi-fi?
Do you need headphones or noise-canceling earbuds?
Do you need to eat before starting on the project?
Is your flight on time?
Whatever the case may be, don’t underestimate the positive impact of being proactive in accounting for these variables as you are planning.
Your Physical Capacity
Consider your physical capacity as what your physical body is literally able to do.
Rock Climbing - An Outing
Imagine you had scheduled to go rock climbing with your friends. However, there’s an itsy bitsy issue. Last week, you went bungee jumping and broke your wrist, so now you can’t lift more than 5 lbs with that arm. You can’t belay your friends, and you know you can’t enjoy the sport of climbing as much as you’d prefer with only one arm to use. Act in your best interest; do not go rock climbing.
Instead, see if everyone will be going out to eat afterwards. This way, you can still enjoy time with your friends, but in a way that’s reasonable considering your physical constraints.
Elevator and Books
When I was working at Apartment D, there was a day when the elevators were down. This woman came to the office visibly irritated and asked in such a tone, Why is the elevator down? I have to bring a box of books to my car.
It’s understandable to get upset in situations where you initially thought a resource, typically available for use, is no longer accessible. In such a situation, you have to put more thought into how you go about the resolution of the conflict, and that mental stress may be the tipping point for many people, but it doesn’t have to be that way for you.
If I were in a similar situation, I would have accepted the practical constraints, that the elevator was not available, and my physical constraints, that I could not lift the weight of the box. From there, I would have found a few reusable bags that I could use to carry the books downstairs. Then, I could empty the box enough so that I could lift it, placing the additional books in the reusable bags to offload the weight.
Physical Capacity - Sleep
Preparing for your day-to-day activities by getting good quality sleep will change your life for the better. However, you first need to determine how to get good quality sleep and what that looks like for you.
Which one of these is not like the Other?
Imagine you just moved to a new apartment. You bring along all the same furniture, and you set everything up just as you had it arranged in your room before. In about a month, you’re settled into your new place and your general routine. However, you feel groggy most mornings, like you’re not resting well at night.
What gives?
Considerations…
Are you getting in bed at a reasonable time?
Are you on your phone for hours before bed?
What does it sound like when you’re asleep?
Is there no noise, or maybe there’s a fan running?
What does it feel like when you’re asleep?
Is the room hot or cold? What temperature is just right?
When you fall asleep, can you stay asleep?
If not, what wakes you up?
After slowing down to consider these variables, you remember that your previous room would stay pitch black throughout the night. By coming to the realization that the window in your new room lets light in, you’re able to take action, purchase blackout shades, and from here on out, enjoy a restful night!
A Night Out, Drinking with Friends
People are multifaceted. Some mornings you might dedicate to working out and green smoothies, while some nights you might dedicate to drinks out with the girls until 12 am. You can happily experience both of these circumstances, but it’s best if they don’t occur back-to-back.
For instance, you may notice that working out in the morning after a night of drinking feels much worse than just working out a little sleepy. This is because drinking, even if the night before, still causes dehydration in your body and disrupts muscle protein synthesis, hindering the rebuilding process of muscle recovery, especially after weightlifting.
What are some alternatives?
Scheduling going out on a night where you’re not already planning to work out in the morning
Rescheduling a morning workout to not be right after a night out
During your night out, enjoy non-alcoholic drinks
If you’re in the process of planning with your friends, suggest an activity that’s not going out for drinks
There are a few situations where you’re truly required to give up one thing for another. There are, however, many instances where you need to think through the consequences of your immediate actions so that you can make an educated decision based on your preferred outcome.
Health Devices
I have an Oura ring, and I got it because it connects to my Natural Cycles app.
I enjoy my Oura ring because it gives me a greater awareness of the quality of sleep I’m getting. Each night, I want to achieve a sleep score that’s at least in the 80s, aiming for the 90s. As a woman, it’s pertinent that I’m aware of how my menstrual cycle impacts me so that I can work within the confines of the practical constraints that come along with that.
I had a hunch that I needed more or less sleep depending on the phase of my cycle, and I had heard that to be the case as well. I was curious as to what that looked like for me. I opened Google Sheets and listed out all my cycle data for the past 6 months, and I aligned that with my sleep score and how many hours of sleep I got to achieve that sleep score. Although I understand that there are countless other variables that I could have accounted for, this is what I wanted to do.
I found that if I’m not in my luteal or menstruation phases, then I need around 6-7 hours of sleep. Whereas if I am in those phases mentioned, I need at least 8-9 hours of sleep. I typically aim for 8 hours every night, but now that I have actual data points added to my mental list of “personal facts”, I can use this knowledge to make educated decisions about scheduling.
You don’t need all the bells and whistles that come with health devices to start developing an awareness of your patterns. You just need to pick something in your life, whether it be your sleep, cycle, or mid-day energy levels, and then pay attention to how different actions or circumstances impact that thing.
When you take time to consider how seemingly separate aspects of your life work together as a whole, building awareness of how these variables fit together like puzzle pieces, you’ll be able to see the whole picture of your life.
Mental Capacity
There’s a time to be optimistic and a time to be realistic. There is seldom a time to be pessimistic.
Pessimism stunts your growth because a limited mindset results in limited actions.
Job Hunting
Imagine your friend in need of a new job comes to you cheerfully and says I just applied to 5 jobs on Indeed. Now all I have to do is wait!
Considering how difficult it is to find work right now with companies choosing AI over humans and positing fake ads, you’d probably look at them dumbfounded, thinking, How could they have not thought of these things??
They were being optimistic.
As a friend, you congratulate them on applying for the jobs they did, then kindly inform them of considerations that would make their search more effective.
These considerations include variables within their direct control, such as:
Submitting X number of applications per day
Attending networking events so that they can ask more people in person if their companies are hiring
The possibility of picking up part-time work in the meantime
The viability of starting a side hustle
At first, you’re met with contention from them because they’re overwhelmed by how complicated it is to look for a job. They feel like they shouldn’t be punished for companies not doing their part.
It can be really difficult to come to terms with the way the world works in some respects. Even so, if changing why the world works in one respect or another is not something under your immediate influence, don’t waste your time and energy trying to change it as if it were.
When you’re looking to right a systematic wrong, figure out the root cause that is nearest to your immediate influence and work your way out from there.
In this situation, your friend is not an employer, and yelling at someone who is an employer about their hiring processes isn’t going to help them reach their goal. However, if they were to secure a job and climb the ranks to an HR position in the company, then (broadly speaking) they’d be in a more influential position to make the hiring process easier for the next person.
In any case, your friend comes to terms with the way things are and, in doing so, makes the problem of not having a job their own to resolve. Now that they are able to recognize these things, understanding their practical constraints, they proceed with creating a plan of action. In this way, they can now make proactive, realistic decisions towards reaching their goal.
Resource Availability
Note: Resource is a term that I will be using broadly to mean an external variable, most appropriately, one that is needed for you to proceed with your plan. A resource can be a person, place, or thing.
Getting Groceries at the Mall
Imagine one of your friends is picking you up to go to the grocery store. Neither of you wants to go, so you decide to go together to get it done. As they’re driving, you pass the grocery store you usually go to. Not thinking much of it, because they might prefer a different grocery store, ya’ll continue your conversation, and you stop paying attention to the road.
The car’s parked, you’re in the parking lot of the mall. Not a strip mall. A proper shopping mall.
You think to yourself, This doesn’t make any sense!, yet you ask calmly, Hey, why are we here?
They reply, I figured we could grab a quick bite at this spot in the food court before we go to the store, so we don’t shop hungry. Sorry, I know it’s kind of random, but I just really had a craving for it.”
You let out a sigh of relief.
They say, Oh, you didn’t think we were going here for groceries, did you?”
To which you reply, No, no, that would be insane.
Because it would be, now wouldn’t it?
It’s quite obvious that you won’t find a grocery store at a shopping mall, but what’s not so obvious?
Knowing where to buy a specific item in-store vs. online
because you’re trying to minimize shopping at major retailers
Knowing exactly when all the stores in your local area open and close
That’s what the internet is for, thankfully!
Knowing the availability of a friend or family member whom you need to ask something
Relationships are transactional by nature
Considering a close friend or family member as a resource might be a bit unsettling at first. While it’s not a term I’d swap out for the other, understanding that people are a resource is important because it opens up the opportunity for you to be a resource to others as well.
Just because a relationship is transactional doesn’t mean it’s devoid of a deeper value. Keep in mind that a transaction may also be defined simply as an exchange, as opposed to the act of buying and/or selling.
Keeping this in mind, consider when was the last time you planned an outing with your friends without the expectation of having a pleasant, dare I say, fun time?
Exactly.
When you’re looking to have a fun time out, you get together with people you enjoy being around because there’s an exchange of good energy between everyone.
To put it simply...
Initial conflict
You want to spend Friday with your friends ≠ Friday not spent with friends
In your control
To call your friends to see if they want to hang out
resource availability being good vibes
To see what restaurants are open on that date and time
resource availability being food + atmosphere
Resolution
Your friends don’t have anything planned for Friday night and are excited to put this on their calendar
You find a restaurant with your desired menu and atmosphere, and you run it by them
Second conflict
The restaurant isn’t halal-friendly, and it’s supposed to be a steak night
Not in your control
Creating a halal-friendly menu for the selected restaurant
In your control
In your control
To see what halal-friendly restaurants are open on that date and time
resource availability being food + atmosphere
Resolution
You find a restaurant, your friends approve it, and you’ve secured good vibes for Friday night.
If the resource you want to use is not readily available to you, determine what the next best option would be and proceed with that, or schedule for a later date.
Planning with Purpose and Intention
Plan in a way that is purposeful and intentional. Planning in this way will give you the confidence to carry out the steps you’ve determined are necessary, which will result in you reaching your goal.
Simply knowing what needs to be done doesn’t suffice as an appropriate means towards accomplishment.
You have to consider all that leads up to you initiating that task, all that encompasses your steps in completing the task, and as much as you can about variables that could hinder the processes.
Wherever you are in your life, it’s okay that you haven’t met a specific goal so far. It’s okay that your attempt towards it hasn’t worked out.
It’s not okay if you keep doing what doesn’t work with the expectation of a different result.
Start building the skill to think in these ways now so that it becomes second nature to you.
Creativity doesn’t stop at expression; it’s achieved through problem-solving.
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